Huge apology for the delay in getting off my report. I have been to the 50th state of the USofA, that’s right folks Hawaii. Land of cocktails, palm trees, bottomless cokes and tipping for no other reason other than yanks love to get wads of cash out. Trust me $50 worth on $1 notes makes you feel like a high roller.
Last Thursday saw the finals of our inaugural Club Championships. Some amazing games were played. · D Grade – Disco Stu took on the Count, both men were clear cut leaders all comp. The count won a tight first game, but quickly found himself 2 set to 1 down. As has been his trademark all comp the count fought back to force a decider, which he duly won and took the crown. Disco was last seen moon walking all the way home. · C Grade – The undefeated Couso took to the court as raging hot favourite against Hollywood Perry. Hollywood jumped off the red carpet early taking a close first game. One way traffic ensued for the remained with Couso taking out the best player Oscar in 4 sets. · B Grade - The Wookie has not been seen for some time, mechanical problems with the hyper drive perhaps. He did however front for his final against the Ganster Milligan. Tough game to predict, form was very hard to nail, two games went the distance 17-16, really could have gone either way, but the Wookie took the biscuits. · A Grade – Johnny Cash went in a firm favourite having not lost a comp game since the late 90’s. The mailman was having not of it and delivered in 5 epic sets, with the last going to the wire 17-16. Johnny was not happy with his racket, it would appear the little bloke had cursed it pre-game. Also the refereeing was absolute rubbish. Thanks to everyone for having a crack at the champ, we’ll run it again same time next year. Hope to see you Sunday for our Xmas party, if not have a great xmas, eat drink and be merry, remember alcohol is your friend, it can make even bald men seem attractive. Tomaree squash was the place to be on Thursday night, if you were keen to run like a naval boat docked in Amsterdam ! The epic chase of a little black ball, in a big square room, until you need to vomit, in the hope you win a little towel from Kmart. Big dick played strap on, to not only lose, but fall over as about as graceful as a new born giraffe on an ice skating rink. The dwarf must of been on substance abuse, because after a 5 week holiday turned up and made the racquet smasher look bewildered, when he took him out in 3 ! I like his little legs 👍🏻 The two bald men went at it like a cock fight in front of an air rifle, with statistic's taking out the Git in 4 ! After hair gel told someone to learn the F$&@&$& rules, he took to the court to show the postman where he should shove his bike, but to the chase, Mailman took gel out in 5 ! 17-16 in the fifth ! It was closer than the US erection ! Chevy Chase and Riddler played, but I missed the outcome, as I was showering with Dick ! Read into that as you will !! Beers were drank, nibblies were eaten, and a good time was had by all ! Regards, The Tinman.. No great surprises from last night’s matches. I was yet again stitched up by the man in black losing in 5 sets, bloody hell it was hot. Cousin It downed Hollywood Perry in 4, Hollywood downed 4 beers and was still sweating and hour later. In D grade the chart topping Count was up against the former PM, the count looked really good early and looed headed for a decisive victory. As usual the PM fought back hard but was not enough this time round as the Count took the match in 4. Young Einstein left the comforts of his IPad just long enough to go down to the hard hitting gangster Milligan. The one legged Rooster was well short of his crowing best and was easily beaten by some bald headed bloke, apparently it was Grant, what did Joey call the Baldys in The Wanderers, ‘Pricks With Ears’. Our very own canteen lady had a huge night against our resident GP, Tishpie took our canteen lady all the way to 5, Leanne finally took the biscuits. In the last game of the evening, El Pres had a show down with the bald pommy. A really good tough game saw the pres getting over the line in 4.
Finally a couple of things. There seems to be a deeply disturbing phenomenon occurring now that the weather is warming up. It appears that a number of aging bald men are stripping down and strutting their stuff at the end of their matches. Two such critters were spotted last night. I can assure you the committee is looking into this problem, as we are very concerned for the metal wellbeing of our younger members. Lastly the committee has decided to hold a presentation day for the club champs that will double up as our Xmas party. I will send out invitations next week, but please put aside Sunday afternoon on December 4. More great games on Thursday night. Tishpie had a good victory over Iron Mike Williams, the former boxing champion tried to shadow box his way around the court, by the end of the match it looked as though his shadow had won.
Yours truly had an uncomfortable win against Rooster, uncomfortable because he used his backside so much the game more resembled demolition derby than squash. At one stage I swear I heard a reversing horn. Alphonse Milligan got the better of our little bear, however Claire was definitely robbed in the 3rd by the ref. In a very interesting matchup Sergio Leone was up against an in form Hollywood Perry. Both guys needed a win to stay in contention for the final, another 5 setter ensued with Hollywood taking the Oscar. In a really tight one, our President was up against Sir Isaac Newton. The renowned physicist had calculated that the winner would take out the much coveted 3rd spot in A grade, so a lot was on the line. Fidel started well but a comeback from Sir Isaac saw the match go down to a deciding 5th set. Sir Isaac looked to have the game and 3rd place sown up, but the president with his mum watching suck over the line. 3rd place was his, or so he thought. As with last comps grand finals the physicist redid his numbers and somehow in spite of all the laws of nature did in fact manage to pip the pres for 3rd. Semi’s this week for A & D grade, the draw for those games will be available soon, if at all possible could you please ensure all games are played on Thursday during the finals. Finally only 2 spots remain for the doubles comp. Get in quick. Jason A couple of great games going to 5 set last night in the club champs. First up we had the hard hitting young Einstein up against the guile and touch game of our house comedian. Milligan looked the goods early but with his mum watching Josh took control of the match and despite doing his best impression of his old man managed to hold off the funny man.
Next up the other Milligan took on Kye. The gangster was unable to match his brothers touch game, who was unkind enough to suggest his squash more resembled table tennis. He did however possess the power and fitness to get over our cap wearing Justin Bieber look alike. In another 5 setter ‘Hollywood’ Perry came up against ‘Prime Minister’ Keating. It appeared in the 5th that Amberley had the match in the bag leading well before Hollywood took charge, went for broke, had a go, went ballistic, grabbed the bull by the horns and ultimately got lucky to win in a tight one. Special mention to Dicky Nancarrow who despite being extremely old had a good win against a much younger opponent. In the end we worked out that the John is in fact nearly 3 months younger than Dicky. Well done old fella. Club champs are progressing well. If you have games to catch up on please do so asap. Also whenever possible could you please play on Thursday. In A grade Johnny Cash remains undefeated and will be very hard to catch. B grade is a bit tighter with the brothers Milligan and the Wookie very close. There are some very close contests in C grade but it looks as though Couso is the man to beat. And in D grade the Count and Disco Stu are jumped away from the crowd.
Round 1 of the club champs saw a big statement made by Sean ‘Luke’ Perry. Luke made his debut and managed to topple one of the early favourites for C grade in our former Prime Minister ‘Paul’ Amberley Keating in 4 sets.
In his comeback match cranky pants Kye was edged out by Al ‘Capone’ Milligan in 5. By all reports cranky pants behaved impeccably. Well done mate. In spite of his incessant crowing throughout the evening Rooster actually lost his match in 3 to Sir Isaac. In complete contrast an epic encounter saw the son of Sir Isaac scape over the line against our house comedian Spike Milligan, the junior physicist winning in 5. Johnny Cash continued his good form with a solid 3 sets victory over our bald Englishman. Tim the toolman sporting yet another set of shorts had to retire hurt mid match after his hair stylist announced her retirement, allowing Fidel Castro to claim victory. Match of the night had the iron man again taking on the canteen lady. An amazing tussle ensued with a victory to the iron man 17-16 in the 5th. Incredibly the canteen lady was still on duty after her game in spite of spending most of her match on the floor boards. In the final match for the night another come back effort saw Tishpie take on Stu ‘Im gunna spew’ Everitt. Spewy sunk a few beers before the match but still managed a solid victory, without spewing, what an athlete. The 2016 Club Championships will kick off in style tonight.
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August 2023
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